Dilemma # 10: The “Ex-Files”…Terrible joke…Serious Post

1. You are going to compare new dates to your past relationship. It’s inevitable, but remember, while you should continue to celebrate the good qualities about your ex, there are a lot of other reasons you are no longer with that person. And for those reasons, you don’t want someone who is exactly like your ex.  
2. You must have space. It is impossible to let go of someone if you are constantly seeing them. Breaking up with someone is like getting over an addiction. If you’re an alcoholic, you don’t go to a bar. If you’re addicted to shopping, you don’t go to the mall. Same principle. Put bluntly: you can’t be friends with your ex right away!
3. Don’t wallow in your misery. Get up, get out and do something. Plus, if you run into your ex, you don’t want to look like a hot mess. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep. Go out with your friends, take a class, develop a hobby. Become a more interesting person so that your ex isn’t the only thing that defines you. Throw yourself into work, stay busy. Not only will activity keep your mind off the hurt, but it will help you meet new people with similar interests to yours.
4. It is impossible to get your ex back by reasoning with them. Unfortunately, we cannot control another person’s emotions as much as we’d like to. Don’t wait for them to come back; you’re missing out on other amazing people if you put all of your hope in one person. Plus, chances are, they won’t come back.
5. Respect the wishes of your ex. If they say they need some space, give them that space. If your relationship is going to work out in the future, it will be important that you made it clear that you care enough to respect their desires.
6. Reflect on what went wrong in the relationship. Use it to make yourself healthier for your next beau/lady. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for you.
7. It’s normal to feel lost, anxious, angry, depressed, etc. Recognize those feelings and try to fix them. Don’t let yourself get so lost in these emotions that you lose yourself. Channel that energy into writing, creating, etc.

Here are some songs:

Start with sad: Joy Division “Love Will Tear Us Apart,” Al Green “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart,” Patrick Watson and The Cinematic Orchestra “To Build A Home”

Move on to angry: Ben Folds Five “Song for the Dumped,” Kelly Clarkson “Since U Been Gone” (cheesy as it sounds, this is a really good song to sing along to), The Killers “Mr. Brightside,” Paul Simon “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”

Then something happy/nostalgic: Anything by the Scissor Sisters (check out their new song “Let’s Have A Kiki” It’s dance-irific.), The Lumineers “Ho Hey,” Abba “Dancing Queen” (It’s a classic)

Repeat.

Dilemma #9: Don’t Skirt Your Dating Duties

1. We’re big proponents of dresses on the first date. It indicates that you’re a sophisticated lady who is comfortable with herself:
   1. A well-fitted little black dress (meaning not too tight) with accessory embellishments or an interesting shoe (preferably two!) can never go wrong for an evening to night date.
   2. For a day date, go with a sassy summer dress. It shows off your curves sans tackiness.
2. Wear clothes that fit you. We realize that today’s culture implies you have to be skinny to be sexy, but that is absolutely not true. Wear the clothes that are right for your body and you will see how incredible it makes you feel.
   1. In other words: don’t try to squeeze yourself into clothes that are two sizes too small. You might end up looking like this:(and on that note, avoid overalls at all cost)                                                                                    
3. Never wear a ton of makeup or a ton of perfume. Both are serious turn-offs to the kind of men you want to attract. Plus, with the summer heat, it’s just going to melt off your face which will make you look like you’re in a horror movie or The Cure’s latest video (we guarantee he’s not asking you out because you look like Robert Smith).
4. Make sure you know what the plan is for your date before you get dressed up. That way you don’t show up to a hike wearing a nice dress and heels, unless that’s the attire you like to hike in (if this is your preferred hiking gear AND you are adept in this garb, contact us, we would love to know your secrets).
5. Have a “getting dressed” soundtrack with fun music that gets you pumped to be confident and sexy.
6. While getting ready, refrain from pre-gaming too hard. Nobody wants to pick up a sloppy date! A (meaning 1) glass of wine or champagne while pampering is acceptable. A bottle? Tsk tsk.
7. What’s important is developing your own personal style, but doing so with class and confidence. If you’re comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, then throw on a blazer and add an interesting piece of jewelry for some sex appeal. And heels! What is most important, is that you feel like the most confident version of yourself.

Some sites for inspiration: Modcloth, Nordstrom, Anthropologie

Dilemma #8: Shoe To Kill: How To Slay The Ladies With Fashion

First date places should always tend toward some place nice, but not too nice; style should follow suit (punny?)

1. A nice pair of jeans can go a long way. Dark wash, down to the bottom of the shoe, and the waist on your hips…no Dad jeans allowed! Or a pair of slacks (no pleats please!) and then dress down the top. Look here for some suggestions.

2. A blazer for evening events can be quite sexy and endearing, but here’s the thing: if you don’t have a blazer that fits you like a glove, don’t bother. It will just look frumpy and cheesy. Read this to do it right.

                                                                                                                                                                                   Good                                                   Bad

3.  A nice button up is tasteful regardless of the season. In the summer choose a thinner material and roll up the sleeves. Titillating.
4. Cardigans!
5. Your Feet: don’t wear white socks. Make sure your socks match (you’re not fooling anyone). Don’t wear trainers (indoor soccer shoes are the exception to the sneaker rule). More often than not, choose a comfortable loafer that doesn’t look worn. Sperry Topsiders are also a good choice. Ladies love East Coast style. And NEVER wear flip-flops with jeans.

Here are some excellent tips from a marvelous website. These won’t steer you wrong. Investing in good, classic staple items is the way to go. They’ll last forever if you take good care of them (learn how to launder your clothes correctly, gents) and you’ll always look good. Good taste never goes out of style.

Suggestions for where to find good classics: Theory, J. Press, Nordstrom, Ralph Lauren

Dilemma #7: How To Be Irresistible.

1. Learn how to cook: Or, at least, learn how to cook a few delicious things well. Made from scratch mac and cheese is a universal desire. Seriously. As our friend Kevin noted, “cooking is about timing,” have the components of your dish prepped, so you’re not stressing out when it comes time to put it all together. On the other end of it, don’t be a picky eater…be open to trying new things! If you don’t like something, at least you’ll know for sure. (Though it takes 7 tries before you’d actually know. Science.)
2. Dress like a champion: Don’t go out looking like a slob, you never know who you’re going to run into. And, on that note, dress for your body type. Ladies, know your size and wear it confidently. Guys, go to a store…find a pair of jeans that fit you. Not too baggy, not too skinny. If you need some help, go here. They know what they’re talking about. http://www.askmen.com/fashion/fashiontip_200/231_fashion_advice.html.
3. Have an interesting hobby that you can talk about with passion: singing, gem hunting, roller derby, dragon fighting, dancing, clowning?
4. Be well-rounded: The interwebs is a magical place, utilize it. Be well informed about different news items (from different sources), know about pop culture from different eras (if nothing else, use it as comedic fodder), read a book (reading is sexy). Get involved in your community, know what’s going on locally, nationally, and globally. Basically, make sure you can carry a conversation with different generations, classes and genders.
5. Have fun activity ideas: Even something as simple as going to your favorite neighborhood dive bar is better than your standard dinner and a movie. Unless, it’s a classic film or something foreign. That would be fun. For other date ideas, contact us!   
6. One of our personal favorites is when guys can speak with authority (not conceit) about things like wine, beer, and whiskey. And we know for sure, that guys often feel the same about the ladies.
7. Have a job, and if you don’t have one of those (we understand the misfortune of this economy), do something besides just sit around and play video games. Volunteer or have a milkshake stand (see Kelis’ 2003 hit for details on success rate of such ventures).
8. Exercise and eat healthily: We read a study recently that is trying to prove that higher consumption of saturated fats may be a perpetrator of disagreements in relationships because it increases stress levels and makes people more irritable. Can’t say we disagree; healthy eating just makes you a happier person.
9. If it’s within your means…travel! Abroad if possible, locally if not. Knowing about other cultures is a surefire way to expand your horizons and become more open to all kinds of things, thus making you a better human being.
10. Take an improv class: it teaches you to be more spontaneous, a better communicator (in the style of bantering), and hopefully it can help you harness a sense of humor (if you’re lacking in that category). Best of all, you’ll learn how to be more comfortable with making a fool of yourself…which is always an endearing trait.

Dilemma #6: Persnickety Penelope and The Forever-Aloners

There is a logical list of requirements that goes with being a woman on the prowl; however, what tends to happen is that we women become too picky in our quest for that ever-elusive “Mr. Right.”

Perhaps it’s a form of protection from rejection, or perhaps it’s the cultural expectations created by the barrage of romantic comedies (The Notebook anyone?), and Disney movies (Prince Charming was always kind of a wimp), that we are raised with. Whatever it is, it leaves a lot of really amazing men shit-out-of-luck when we apply our ridiculous standards. 

Think of it this way, if you are standing in a room full of 100 men and you start to enumerate your trillions of “must-haves”, you’re going to end up narrowing that pool of possibilities down to nil. Basically, you’ve just made yourself a forever-aloner when you get hung up on superficial things such as hair, height, education (many, many successful men did not finish college), etc. A wise (yet short), man once told us that a woman who has a problem with a man’s height actually has a problem with herself. Think about it.

We suggest making a list of your ten non-negotiables: if you need help with this, or want to know if your non-negotiables are cray-cray, email us at duets@duetsdating.com and we’ll help you work through them. If your list includes something along the lines of, “he must wear shoes to and from the pool”, you are absolutely nitpicking.

Keep in mind this has nothing to do with settling, we are absolutely romantics, but think about a few things the next time you are about to write a guy off based on some notion of what you “require.” Ask yourself: “What am I basing my criteria on?” If you’re single, remember, the men you’ve picked in the past haven’t worked out… meaning your “picker” is off. It probably just needs a little adjusting. Don’t lose hope. Happy dating.

 

Dilemma #5: First Date Follies

As matchmakers, we hear some pretty crazy dating habits from our members. So, we decided it was time to write a little snippet on things NOT to say on first, second, and maybe even third dates.  And remember, these are real things we hear from people, and these dates did not end well. If you’re under the impression that you are the exception to any of these rules, you’re not. Trust us.

• Talking about your exes is never okay. If you’re still obsessing about past relationships, then you are not ready to be dating. It’s unfair to this new gent or lady, and very unattractive.
• Bodily function’s are also off limits. That includes hormones and biological clocks, ladies…do not talk about commitment and long term business no matter how much it’s on your mind.
• Along those same lines, DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX! As if the annoying all caps doesn’t make it clear enough, talking about sex makes you seem skeezy…really skeezy.
• There’s a fine line between cute self-deprecating jokes and annoying insecurity. Cliche though it may be, confidence is sexy. If you don’t know the difference, stick to what you know and avoid self mockery altogether.
• Similarly, be positive on your dates. Even if your dog just caught on fire and your house just ran away (that sounds right, right?), do not whine and complain. Be positive.
• Do not talk about finances. If you’re rich, it sounds cocky. If you’re poor, it sounds insecure, and let’s just take it full circle and remind everyone that confidence is sexy.
• If you already face-stalked or googled your date (which you probably shouldn’t do anyway because how are you going to look surprised when she tells you she is married?! Just kidding…sorta), do not mention anything you found out during your reconnaissance mission. Again, we suggest steering clear of any deep investigatory efforts all together.
• A final list: politics, religion, recent partying excursions, the teddy bear you sleep with, and any emotional, physical, or chemical problems you may have are all topics to keep to yourself until your further along in your relationship.

Remember…

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen 

It’s definitely a learning process.

Dilemma # 4: Be An Oxymoron, Not A Moron: Some Tips On Flirtating For The Lads

We do realize that a lot of what we are about to tell you sounds highly contradictory, but that’s just how love works. Because, collectively, we are all nutz.

“Our animal and human ancestors needed a means of quickly and safely judging the value of potential mates without “going all the way” and risking pregnancy with every possible candidate they encountered. Flirting achieved that end, offering a relatively risk-free set of signals with which to sample the field, try out sexual wares and exchange vital information about candidates’ general health and reproductive fitness.” - Joann Ellison Rodgers

• Before you approach her there are some ways to evaluate whether she’s interested: First of all, don’t do that creepy stare thing. Here’s what you do: stare just long enough until she looks at you, once you have caught her eye give her a slight smile then look away. Then discretely watch her to see if she continues to look your way. If she is, catch her eye again give another smile, if she smiles back, you’re good to go.
• Don’t be over-confident, seriously, we can’t stress that enough. Cockiness is a surefire way to get shut down
• Compliment her on something interesting…don’t you dare say anything about her hair or eyes…if it’s not genuine, don’t do it. Try to find something that can lead to further conversation
• OR find something in your surroundings to talk about first, ask a cute question, use a cheesy pick-up line with the knowledge that it’s kind of dorky. Be cute about it.
• show what makes you different…don’t be dull, try to be engaging with your conversation topics. Don’t talk about things that obviously bore her. Any topic has potential if you talk about it in the right way; be cute and clever.
• Seem interested in everything she has to say, ask questions. But also let her wonder what you’re thinking a little bit, don’t be overly enthusiastic, just seem intrigued with reserve.
• If she’s with her friends, you have a better chance with her if you get them to like you, so be interested in them…but not too interested, you want to make sure she knows who you’re interested in.
• ONCE YOU’RE TALKING TO HER YOU HAVE TO EVALUATE 1: if you’re interested in her and 2. If she’s interested in you
• She’s probably interested if: she touches her hair, neck, or ears, if she keeps her eyes mostly trained on you (if she keeps averting her eyes, she’s asking for help from anyone around her/she’s worried her boyfriend is going to walk in), she leans in when you talk, perhaps some light teasing with an arm touch occurs.
• Be confident with a touch of self-deprecation. Be able to make fun of yourself a little bit because, after all, these kinds of interactions are kind of awkward, but they’re a pretty common experience
• So, after you’ve spent some time with the pretty lady, some light touching might be in order, because that is the natural progression of these things. If she’s sending you the signals that she’s interested, try to lightly grab her hand if it’s available. Perhaps lightly touch her knee, but just her knee. If she’s wearing a skirt, make sure to touch the cloth…not her skin…keep it classy! xo. Duets.

Dilemma #3: The Music Of Potential Love: How to Build the Soundtrack to Your Love Life. Add a Jingle to That Tingle…?

Rule #1: Remember that music can be as contentious as politics. If you disagree, don’t talk about it. DO NOT BE A JERK ABOUT MUSIC! All music has its place, listen to other people’s opinions. You’ll be surprised how quickly a good date can turn ugly when the banter becomes berating.

Rule #2: You never know, your date may introduce you to something marvelous. In fact, that’s a good rule to follow in general…be open to change…we’re philosophers too. You’re welcome.

Rule #3: That being said, Kenny G? Not good date music (in fact, never good, but that circular breathing thing is okay so privately Kenny is…permissible. See? That’s me being incredibly open about music.)

Rule #4: Play music that is interesting, but not distracting. You want it to be able to play the role of conversation starter and background noise at different times, so nothing with overly eccentric rhythms or noises.

Rule #5: “What do you like to listen to?” This tiny little question opens doors for all kinds of interaction. Such as: what musics you have in common, what tunes your companion enjoys, favorite bands, favorite situational musical stylings, etc.

Rule #6: Not everybody enjoys concerts; they are sweaty, loud, and often overwhelmingly group oriented…goddamn hipsters. So, if you’re significant other, lover, date, lady/gent friend doesn’t like concerts, don’t force them to go. It will just make them uncomfortable and it will not be fun for you. That being said, if live music is important to you…do you really want to be with somebody who doesn’t share that passion?

Sexy Date Playlist Essentials:

Al Green

Etta James

Otis Redding

Anything ’90′s…it’s always good conversation.

David Bowie (the Labyrinth soundtrack especially…a girl can dream)

The Titanic Soundtrack/Anything Celine Dion…heheh. Don’t do that.

Radiohead

Hall &  Oates

Dilemma #2: How to Tell if Someone Likes You Textually. Part 1 for the gents

So, you got a lass’ number, congratulations!…sort of. There’s still a bit of work to be done before you seal the date deal. (catch that rhyme?)

Here are some suggestions to get the response you are looking for.

1. Make your texts sassy. DO NOT just text your lady prospect, “hi” or any variation thereof. There is nowhere to go with that, plus you’re boring if that’s all you got going on in the brainbox.
2. If she doesn’t text you back within an hour, don’t send more texts. She got it, she just doesn’t have time to respond or she doesn’t want to.
3. Ask a goofy question or a tell a silly story if you don’t know where to start, some examples: “Have you ever thought about what goes on in a cat’s head?”  ”I can’t stop watching Dance Moms. I think I need an intervention.” “I officially cannot enter an ocean for fear of dolphin rape. (look it up, you should be afraid too) Damn you interwebs, you keep me too well informed!”

Make note of the correct grammar usage here. Ladies love good grammar.  

• Brief lesson: No “u” instead of “you,” it’s two letters, fellas, she should be worth that.
• Know the difference between your and you’re (you’re the shit if you know your shit)
• Similarly there is a difference between two, too, and to. Know it.
• And finally there is a distinction between going to their house, knowing if they’re home, and how to  get there. 

She’s not interested if…

• If she never initiates a text session
• If she waffles (mmm…waffles) on times and/or avoids the conversation of getting together all together…together?
• She repeatedly takes hours (or days) to respond to your text or doesn’t answer at all.
• Her texts are always curt and/or or basically bland.
•  She always has an excuse either regarding her lack of text response or why she can’t hang out.

Basically, if she likes you, she’ll jump at the opportunity to see you. These seem super basic, but it’s amazing how often these simple messages don’t get through.

If the lady doesn’t like you, don’t feel bad, why would you want to be with somebody who doesn’t like you/ who doesn’t get your humor? Take it in stride, don’t force anything…that’s text rape.

Happy Dating! xo. Duets.

Dilemma #1: Dolla dolla billz, ya’ll

Never take a lady's paper.

Here are the answers to all of your questions regarding that paper…

• If you’re over 23 the guy should pay, under 23 is on a case by case basis. If you’re students, split it, or find something fun and free/cheap to do. Those can be the best dates.
• Choose something you can afford. It won’t look bad, if you just go to coffee or to a cute dive bar. There are stylish places at all cost levels, just look around. Or you can always ask…it’s kind of our job after all.
• Splitting is more acceptable than the lady paying, but, it’s still classy for the gents to treat. Old-fashioned though it may seem, we like to think of it as payback for hundreds of years of female repression. Zing.
• Never, NEVER ask you’re lady to throw down because you, “forgot your wallet,” or “you don’t have enough, right now.” It sounds cheap, obviously, but, trust us, we have heard stories.